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Why
do I always attract
bad boys?
“Dear
Nurse, I don’t
know why, but
I keep attracting
jerks. My last
three relationships
have been with
men who stepped
out on me or otherwise
played me for
a fool. I’m
a reasonably well-adjusted
and successful
sister, so why
do I always attract
bad boys?”
— In a Romantic
Rut in Kendall
Dear Romantic
Rut, Many women
find themselves
in your shoes.
And even if those
shoes are famed
Manolo Blahniks,
they’re
not good ones
to be in. Let’s
be honest: Bad
boys are beguiling.
There’s
a mystique about
them, an alluring
je ne sais quois
that’s terribly
hard to ignore.
Despite being
philanderers and
con artists, they
manage to spin
their bad-boy
ways into something
that appeals to
our own egos.
“He’s
had the rest,”
we think. “Now
he can have the
best.”
Patterns, RR,
are hard to break
— his patterns
and yours. Step
#1. Do a quick
review of your
past boyfriends.
You say they’ve
all been bad guys,
so make a list
of the things
you found attractive
about each of
them. Odds are,
the lists will
be quite similar.
Why are these
traits important
to you? Asking
yourself this
question will
help you learn
more about what
you really want
in a man. Is there
a way to get a
guy that isn’t
self-destructive?
For example, perhaps
you like a man
who gives you
a little space.
A player gives
you space, but
only so he can
pursue other women.
A better man would
spend that time
pursuing his interests.
The better man’s
behavior strengthens
each of you as
individuals, thereby
creating a stronger
couple.
Step #2. Next,
reflect on your
role in each relationship.
Were there any
signs that you
were heading into
dangerous waters?
Maybe he had a
bad reputation.
Or perhaps he
flirted a little
too much with
the waitresses.
He might even
have been missing
in action a little
too often. If
you really scrutinize,
you’ll likely
find that you
were handed a
warning early
on — but
chose to ignore
it. Write down
the signs and
prepare a quick
exit if you see
them again.
Step #3. This
one’s hard,
but you need to
face the fact
that these players
are in your life
because you allow
them to be. Check
your self-esteem.
You say you’re
“reasonably
well-adjusted,”
but I urge you
to dig a little
deeper at why
you repeatedly
allow men to run
around on you.
You’re not
a bad person,
RR, but you need
to change your
thinking. You
deserve to be
treated better,
but that will
only happen if
you put out a
“no horseplay,
no exceptions”
vibe.
Look to family
and friends for
help in building
your confidence
and learning how
to get what you
want. If that
doesn’t
work, you can
always seek the
services of a
skilled life counselor
or therapist.
Taking ownership
of your past and
learning to ask
for what you need
in the present
are the first
steps in securing
a brighter future.
Just take it
easy and take
each date as it
comes, in its
own moment. Who
knows? You might
find a good man
instead of another
bad boy.
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